MY MINI MID-LIFE CRISIS

It is another glorious long weekend ahead. Three days of rest and relax, well, as much of it as I can get with a pile of work staring at me. It is a toss up whether I will even touch the pile in the coming days. I bring the work home with the best of intentions, but truly, it takes great will power and discipline to pull myself away from Project Runway reruns on cable TV to look at price comparison tables, engineering squiggles, and my least favourite of all - staff appraisal forms.

Yes, it is the time of the year for staff appraisals. Some bosses enjoy the process, because you know, holding the "life and death" of your employees in your hands, to mould their career outcomes in your hands, embues one with an incredible sense of power. Suddenly everyone falls over to be nice to you, and well, it may be time to take revenge of that small act of rebellion from a subordinate two months ago. Cues evil laugh.....Bwahahaha.......

Years ago, I used to love this time of the year too, because I didn't need to grade anyone else, and I was always pretty confident of my own performance. I knew I could always look forward to a top notch performance appraisal from my bosses. Even when I finally had my own small team about two years ago, they were all of such high caliber that it was no chore to grade them at all.

This year, I have around twenty staff appraisals to grade, and as I flip through them, my heart sinks. I have no wish to put anyone out of a job at this critical time period, or cause anyone any problems from bad appraisals, but how to balance that with what I really feel about their abilities and their attitudes? If I am really really frank about it, half of them would probably end up with a less than average showing, but if I am more generous, the top performers would not show up so well, which is somewhat unfair. It is really a fine balancing act. The best result I can envision is that everyone gets about an average grading, which is....kind of sad.

And there is my own appraisal form to complete. Our company appraisal comes in two parts, one part for the supervisor to grade the staff performance, and the other part for the staff to give feedback. I am in a dilemma over the latter, given my unhappiness with my job responsibilities at the moment and my general confusion on which direction I should be going. How forthcoming should I be in my feedback? Really tell the bosses that I have no wish to be groomed for higher level managerial positions, that I wish to specialise in the technical side of things? Do I really want to turn in that direction? Am I ready to sacrifice the material benefits of my current career path for one which will better suit my personality and skills and make me happier for the next forty years, but not pay as well? Will I really be happy with less money? Have I been too idealistic and naive? Sort of like those couples who "chooses love over bread"? I have no answer yet.....but I have the next two days to think about it.....

Someone commented in passing recently that I could consider making fitness my career, like become a trainer, open a fitness centre catering to ladies etc, since I am now so into this whole fitness thing, and was so unhappy about my job into the bargain, I laughed it off at that time. It just felt so off-the-charts impossible. I could list so many things against such an idea - lack of expertise, capital, my personal fear of the lack of stability in such an undertaking etc etc. But for some reason, the idea got stuck in my head, not fitness part, but the idea of going into alternative career paths, doing things which interests me, making my interests my work. I am a little bewildered about the direction of my thoughts, because even as thoughts, this is so unlike me. SB may take the plunge, but I am your original conventional 9-5 professional salary girl. I thrive on routines and schedules, on stability and low/zero risk taking. Am I really even considering an alternative life-style? Or am I just desperate enough to seek a way out of my current malcontention? Anyway at all?

My parents, especially my father, have been incredibly happy and satisfied ever since I landed this job, and are very, very proud of my career progression. I think he sees me at the top of the managerial food chain one day. I know they think I have the potential to fly high, and my settling for anything less would be a waste of my potential. I also think that they are happy that at least one of us (between SB and me) are in a stable job with stable prospects (since SB has chosen, in their eyes at least, something flighty and out of their realm of understanding, although I personally think wanting to get a PhD to teach in a University is already kind of traditional and staid...). I have been rather hesitant about sharing my unhappiness at work with them, or even mentioning my various thoughts and considerations to downgrade my career.

However, this morning during breakfast, I somehow fell into a discussion with them accidentally about the whole situation I am in. I think I was subconsciously trying to test the waters, to see if they could understand how unsuited I am, personality-wise, for the high power management path, and if they could accept my not fulfiling my full potential and limiting my career path. The discussion went exactly as I had expected. Mum understood but couldn't, or didn't want to say anything more than that she understood. Dad was adamant that in this society, no one could ever be 100% happy with their job. A job is a job. I should just suck it up and do it. And if I can't change the job to suit me, then I should change myself to suit the job. Be harder, be more aggressive, learn to like entertainment, learn to like management shit, or at least to tolerate it enough. I don't have to like my job, just be able to tolerate it for the next forty years and take my pleasures elsewhere. Kind of like those Victorian ton marriages you read about, a wife is for inheritances and heirs; keep a mistress on the side for other pleasures.

I was kind of sad, but I guess I did know better than to expect unadulterated support from that wing. Afterall, my parents were the product of hard times and sacrifices. You didn't have a much of a choice in those days. I really don't blame them. But so now it is down to me to decide what I want and whether I could live with the consequences of my choices. Again, I don't have any answers yet...my mind and my heart are masses of roiling conflict. I can only take refuge in escapism for the moment, and use the financial crisis as an excuse to delay the decision making for another few months, or years. I am hoping that once the crisis is over and the economy is on the rise again, a clear direction which addresses all my concerns will suddenly open up in front of me, and I do not have to worry about any decision making on my part. Haha, yes, sheer fantasy of course - my religion of choice.

Well, I refuse to continue to dwell on such unhappy ruminations with the long weekend stretching in front of me. It will be over all too soon, and time enough for me to continue my whining and whinging when I am back at work. For the next two days, I will live in the present and charge myself up as much as I can. I see long days of catching up on my reading, internet surfing, working out! and just generally pottering around. There are still small bubbles of happiness and contentment lurking around after all, just have to look for them and soak them out.

Life is not all a drag after all......