WORK WHINES….ALREADY?!

When I was first informed of my new assignment and new supervisor at work after I returned from my operation, I knew I was going to have problems sooner or later. I just hoped it would be later.

I like my work scope now, although I have been advised to be careful not to get stuck in a rut. Now that is fodder for another post. But in the meantime, I am enjoying the work that I have been given.

The only fly in the ointment is my current supervisor, whom I have had doubts about from the very beginning. Tis not that he is a bad guy, just that our innate characters conflict and there is some history that involves some other people. As a result, we are somewhat suspicious and wary of each other, and most of the time it feels like a wary truce between us, then an amicable working relationship.

He is what we call a “micro-manager”. He tends to nitpick and control the smallest thing (like document formatting mistakes etc) and leaves the big picture dangling. Now, if I were much lower down the ladder rung, it might not have been so bad. But I am used to a boss who gave me the big picture and allowed me free rein to accomplish that, but will chip in and support me whenever I ran into problems. So mostly, I feel totally directionless when it comes to what to do next, and yet totally constraint in those little tasks.

And I hate it that he has put me under surveillance. Since I am still supporting multiple bosses, my seating has not been changed, which means I am somewhat far away from him as our office is quite large. So he often just walks over to confirm for himself that I am at my desk working. Now my job involves quite a bit of information gathering, which means I have to go around talking to people. So I have taken it upon myself to inform him of every single movement I make so that he will not get the wrong idea. Gosh! I thought I was light years away from the days when I had to raise my hand to go to the toilet!

And it also means that I have cannot openly talk to my ex-ex-supervisor and former team mates, whom I am still very close to, because there is some bad blood between them. I got caught a few times and boy, was it awkward!

I am trying not to let it affect me very much, and am managing to keep quite zen. But I can feel the situation scrap away at me slowly, so I don’t know if I will keep the zen-ness after a few more months. I have another colleague who was transferred to the same supervisor a few weeks after me, and we have been commiserating with each other. He is considering taking up a posting to our new subsidiary on the Indian East Coast just to get out of this situation. I have not gone to that extreme yet.

The thing is all opportunities which will get me out from under my supervisor’s thumb will land me in the exact situation which made me so miserable few months ago – being my own boss (running my own project). So I am now between the devil and deep blue sea.

The employee appraisal is here again and the employee self appraisal and feedback form is on my table. What do I say this time?

A WORK ETHIC ISSUE

There is a newbie in the department upstairs, who is a scholar with the company. Which was kind of unusual as scholars were usually rotated around the production departments in their first two years to give them an idea of site work.

Turns out that Mummy called and requested for Junior to be given an office job, site work being too dangerous for her peace of mind.

This guy accepted a scholarship with an internationally known company in the heavy industry, for Christ’s sake. What did he and Mummy expect? Kid gloves and red carpet?

As a rookie engineer, I used to be sent out to site once every so often, even though my job was mainly office based. Even today, I am expected to man up and board a ship if my bosses needed me to.

So what, he thinks he should be privileged enough to get to choose to enjoy the same perks while other people risk their lives to support those very perks? In a way, he had even more of an obligation than normal employees did, since he had taken sponsorship from the company to finance his studies.

Some years ago, I was sent on an inspection trip to Timor Leste. It was supposed to be handled by another engineer, but her mother objected on grounds of potential danger, so I was sent instead. Naturally, there was no protest from this engineer or her mother when the next destination turned out to be Norway.

What, my mother doesn’t worry? Someone else gets all the shit while she enjoys the grand tour?

My mum confided some years back that she worried like any mother did when I was involved in any physical or offshore work. But it was my job; I was being paid to do it. There was no ethical reason for me to reject the task. So, she kept quiet and supported me as best as she could.

We are all someone’s children. If we all rejected the given tasks on the pure basis that it involved some potential danger, who would do the job? Where would our handsome bonuses come from?

If the risks are so unacceptable, then don’t work in this industry. Or, if you turn down the dirty work, go to the back of the queue when a silver bullet assignment turns up.

Back to this scholar guy. If I had been the HR department, I would demand the scholarship money back with interest, and kick this guy out. However, I don’t think he gets much respect from his peers and other people in his department anyway. I certainly don’t go out of my way to accommodate him.

It will be interesting to see how long he lasts in cold storage.

QUITTER BID REJECTED

My bid for quitting the MSc course has been rejected by my HR manager. I'm basically back to the 'do or die' situation. Darn it, I can't even be a quitter with a clear conscience.

Anyway, I have emailed the University for an extension using workloads, health, whatever I can think of for an excuse. And if they agree, I need to wade through unfinished assignments and a dissertation in this whole coming year. And the question foremost in my mind: If I couldn't do it all these years past, what makes them think I could do it now?

This is so not going to be a fun year.

CHOOSING FEMININITY

An anecdote from work today: One of the young lady engineers came back from site with a request from the site project manager for a personnel change – to a male engineer. His reason, as he told the young lady – “Because I can’t yell at you.”

I remember times from my own rookie days, when I encountered old salt type contractors and project managers and even clients, who had to almost physically restrain themselves from yelling at me when things went awry. I was quite sure then that if I had been male, I would have gotten it with both barrels blasting.

The thing is, these guys are neither misogynists nor chauvinists in any way. They don’t dislike us or think we will not be able to perform just because we are female. They are just that rare old breed of men who do not think it is gentlemanly to indulge in certain behaviour towards a lady. I have managers, who even now, will apologise formally before or after swearing a blue streak in front of me because “there is a lady present”, to quote their own words.

I am always put in a dilemma when faced with these guys. On one hand, I am happy to take advantage of the special treatment. No one likes to be yelled at under any circumstances. On the other, I feel like I have broken some unwritten rule of the Feminist Code. I feel like I should step up and ask to be yelled at, if only to balance things.

When all’s said and done, I have to admit that I like the preferential treatment. It tells me that I am a lady, and I shouldn’t forget femininity in the pursuit of feminism.

We can have our cake and eat it.

GIVING UP

I made one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make in my whole life till now and have officially informed my manager that I will not be completing my company sponsored MSc course. I see the company HR manager next week to discuss further options, and most probably, compensation to the company.

The various managers had been on my back for the last few years regarding this. Yes, it has taken me a few years to not complete the course. The arguments for continuing are quite obvious, I have finished all the coursework modules, and only owe a few assignments and an 80,000 word dissertation. It should have been relatively easy to bulldoze through it and just pass and get the certification. Certainly, it would save me a fortune in paying back the sponsorship, considering that I have more than served my bond already. Dropping the MSc would also lower my standing in the eyes of the management and disappoint the managers who had nominated me in the first place. And I lose a chance at the Masters degree, which, in today’s society, is becoming more of a necessity than a luxury.

One of the main factors which actually prevented me from giving up even earlier was pride and an innate competitive nature. Several colleagues have graduated with their degrees. Several more are going to. It strikes hard at my ego to end up less paper qualified than my peers, and for a while this kept me trying, but ultimately, it was not enough.

I don’t think I will change my mind. Because I know I won’t finish the course no matter what.

I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter. I never have. But it seems that I have to take my head out of the sand, and admit that this time, I get the “Quitter of the Year” trophy.

I was not expecting this immense wrench though. I thought I would be relieved to get rid of this burden that had been riding on my back for years, and which was always popping up to spoil the perfection of any happy moments I had. I thought I had prepared myself to make whatever compensation I needed to, that I would feel the payment worthwhile to be free again. But it didn’t happen this way. It is hard to describe the sense of failure that pervades me, especially coming on the heels of all that happened at work the last few months.

It will never be something I will ever think about with pride. In fact, I suspect that wrench is always going to be there. But once I get the formalities over and done with, I will do what I do best, bury it all in the ground, and pretend it never happened. Game over…….Start new game.

KARMA WITH A BITE

I used to have a lot of difficulties gathering information for reporting purposes, because whatever systems I put in place for updating were never religiously followed, and certain people didn’t care, because after all, they were not the one facing the bosses. To them, these procedures were just time wasting exercises, and many were the grumbles and flat out refusals when I pressed them to abide by them.

So often, I had to scramble around and use all my ingenuity to get as much information as I could and make up convincing numbers. I kept myself sane thinking “Wait till it is your turn” thoughts.

Happy am I that it is no longer part of my scope to worry about this.

Last Wednesday morning, I had the fun of standing by and watching these other people who didn’t care, scramble around to get the proper numbers for reporting, after not keeping up the updating of the system for months. In the end, they had to tell the boss that they couldn’t get the information, as if the boss cared. The expected reply “I don’t care how you do it, you get me the numbers.” They are still scrambling.

I love it when karma works in my favour.

MONEY MAKES ME GO ROUND

There was an announcement at work this week about our upcoming variable bonus. It is going to be a very, very generous bonus, the highest that has ever been paid out in years. Apparently the company has done very well last year, even in the face of a world wide recession. And what is more, according to a very reliable source, next year’s bonus is already more or less confirmed at similar levels if no major incidents occur.

And then this morning, we received our share option entitlement for this year, which will make me a few thousand dollars richer at today’s prices. And I have more shares coming in the second and third quarters. I have my funding for my WMC trip already.

It is just as well that I have decided to stay put after the department re-organisation gave me a breather with regards to my job scope, and my new boss is leaving me alone for most part. I wonder if I could have made myself leave even if things had not changed at work, in the face of all that money, despite whatever grand decision I had come to previously.

I feel somewhat ashamed of being a whining hypocrite – complain, complain, complain, until money is thrown in my face and then I shut up for a while, and then continue to complain, complain, complain. I wish I had more of a backbone and a character. I wish I could prove that money is not the be-all and end-all of things by my own actions.

Anyway, it seems that whatever motivates or demotivates me, I will at least stay around for the next two years to cash in on the various monetary rewards. And then I would be receiving my 10 years long service award, so I may as well stick around for that.

And after that they will throw more money at me, and I will continue the cycle – complain, complain, complain, take money, complain, complain, complain….

WATCHING THE SHOW LIVE....MWAHAHAHA....

The department restructuring is still on-going, and the senior managers are still discussing and planning the changes for manpower movement. The rumour mills have never been more active. Everyday, I hear something new. Now that my fate has been decided, I am standing by most eagerly to see who the next casualty(s) is. I regret to say that there is almost a malicious glee in anticipating the next howls or protest from my affected colleages. After all, misery loves company, and I do not see why I should be the lone sufferer of this whole farce.

I still think this whole restructuring is a joke. After all, I was involved in the re-engineering process that gave birth to this re-structuring and I guess I have enough wits about me to see exactly how serious the participants were about the whole process. Frankly, I don't even think the process itself is applicable to the company as a whole, but who am I to say otherwise. This is like watching a trian heading towards a wreck and being able to do nothing abut it.

I never thought I would have a "Dilbert Story" to tell one day. Scott Adams hypothesised in one of his books that a company always promote the least intelligent and most technically handipcapped person to management when given a choice, because you need the good guys to continnue running the show below, and these are the only ones who can be spared. For once, I am feeling the truth of the statement, myself included in one of those unqualified in-duh-viduals who got promoted to a position I was not equipped for.

Maybe I am just being pessimistic. Maybe I don't have that "helicopter view" that all managers need to be equipped with (which kind of reinforces the point above). Maybe it will all work and we would be looking at a whole year's bonus next year. At any rate, this is good entertainment for the time being and the only good part about being the first one to receive the bad news. When one is so down, everything else can only look up. It is also going to give me a really superior feeling to tell those affected guys later that I know how they feel, because, hey! I went through it twice! I mean, look at me, the original victim. Oh, I am so going to play it for all I am worth. I am so bad and that makes me feel really, really good.

Have a happy Chinese New Year?

Oh yeah.....mwahahahaha.....

A COLD EXISTENCE

Who says we do not have seasons in Singapore? I am at present huddling in my thickest jacket in what feels like an approximation of winter, thanks to modern ventilation techniques.

We have a central ducted air conditioning system in the office, which is all about trying to please everybody and end up pleasing no one. Since we moved to this location close to four years ago, the system must have been balanced and re-balanced, fiddled and diddled with any number of times. At present, we are at this tolerable truce where half the office wallows in a comfortable temperature, while the other half freezes. Well, tolerable to some people, but in a tropical country, the hot people always win. The argument is that you can always put on more clothes, but you can't go around naked.

Unfortunately, I am sitting in the freezing section.

Some of my colleagues come to work armed with winter jackets, which just underlines how ridiculously cold this part of the office is. I consider myself to be extremely heat-phobic and reasonably resistant to the cold, but it is too much even for me. I refuse to succumb to a winter jacket because it is just too ridiculous to contemplate, and also for vanity's sake. So I continue to freeze, and pray for sunny skies, because it is the equivalent of Siberia in here when it rains.

The contrast between the freezing temperatures inside and the tropical heat outside makes for a grand challenge in dressing, because there are only so many layers one can put on before one resembles a penguin, and not in cuteness at that. It is a toss up whether I choose to bake in the heat or freeze in the air conditioning everyday.

So anyway, I have to stop typing now, because I need to sit on my hands while they thaw. Mittens cross my mind, but with already fat fingers, that will only mean a lot of use of the backspace button.

Thanks, but no thanks.

WHINE, WHINE, WORK, WHINE, WORK....

I am tired of writing all these long, repetitive, whiny posts regarding my work issues. But real people will just listen to me so many times before they get sick it, so I can only keep whining here.


I received my confirmed transfer orders this morning. That’s another move for me in just over one year. And to a supervisor that I have no respect nor liking for, and have absolutely no chemistry with.

I really don’t know which is worse, working with incompetent subordinates whom I totally have no chemistry with, or with bosses whom I dislike. Either way, I am miserable.

The worst of it is that I remain in the same office with people whom I can and want to work with, and I see them going places, and being happy in the process and I am so jealous. I am going places too, in fact, I feel forcibly dragged to these places. The only difference being that I am so miserable in the process that I wonder if the place I get to eventually is worth all this unhappiness. The comparison between me and them is like salt to injury and sometimes I almost hate these people instead. I wonder if I would have been able to adapt to my new situations better if I did not have my ‘glorious’ past in my face all the time.

If I had known what was coming, would I still have accepted all those promotions years and years ago? I am apparently too senior to keep under-utilised which management think is the case if they did not move me. The thing is, I am also struggling with two very different beings inside me. One is ambitious enough not to want to give up the opportunities to greatness. The other is a complacent fellow who just wants to be comfortable in routine. So even if management really had been inclined to cold-storage me, I cannot say I will be totally happy about it.

I was actually asked if this move was an arrangement was something I could live with. I guess the top bosses were being democratic and I suppose they did not want someone unwilling in what may prove a key area of development for the company. The thing is, this change is not totally unwelcome. The scope of work is very interesting and offer lots of opportunities. It is just the fact that I have to work under someone whom I totally dislike that is throwing me off. And yet when the top bosses ask for my reservations, this is the one reservation that I absolutely cannot voice. And it is not as if I had been offered any better alternatives anyway.

Because this will be an important area of development, and because there is no one else who will be driving it full time, I now feel obligated to justify the trust that has been shown in me, and this kind of puts paid to my intention to just up and leave if things don’t turn out well by the middle of the year. I feel like one of those guys who got their girlfriends pregnant, and being made to take responsibility. I could probably just leave anyway, if I didn’t mind everyone thinking me a jerk.

Everyone just tells me to take it one day at a time. I have told myself the same. But doing that for a person like me is like asking me to walk the tightrope to nowhere and taking away the security net in the process. I don’t know where I am going, when I am going to fall, and where I may hurt myself.

There is, as usual, no answer.

CLOCK WATCHING

When the single most important thought of a work day has become “It is 5.30 pm!”, it is time to do something drastic.


Which I did today. I put the computer clock display right in the middle of the 19” monitor screen.

Hurray for a subtle statement.

TGI FRIDAY

It is FRIDAY night.

Life is a big rollercoaster because of everything that is happening, and not happening, at work. At 9 am on Wednesday morning, I drafted out one paragragh of my resignation letter, but after a good nap during lunch, I think I can stand to give the bosses another chance to keep me. On Thursday morning, some discussion on a new project goes on, and I think, man, this job is really quite interesting, why'd I want to give it up? The same afternoon, I decided to continue paragraph two of my letter after going through the list of people I could count on if a new project ends up on my desk.

It just struck me that I have worked eight years at this job, and by many standards that is a long time for a first job. They had me write some quotes for the company's 45th (?) anniversary publication and I will have a nice photograph to go with my words. It occurred to me that there might be a chance I would not be around when the book is finally published with my quotes on company spirit and how I enjoyed working there, and the irony amused me for a good while.

Anyway, it is FRIDAY night. The lousy work stuff will keep till Monday, more's the pity. I just had a nice saloon visit, followed by a good dinner. And am now lounging in the air-condition with the Archie comics that I got for SB's birthday/CNY care package. And I repeat, it is FRIDAY night, so for now I am at peace with the world.

Perhaps the dinner should have been less good. I am kind of ashamed at how much I have allowed myself to regain, even taking into account the operation and recovery. So I am struggling to get back on the exercise and diet wagon. But gosh, am I out of shape! Only 25 bodyweight squats on Monday, and I couldn't walk properly until Thursday!

The funny thing is that the same people at work who says I looked really good half a year ago, now says they think I look better plumper. There is this guy who actually told me I looked thinner, just by virtue of the fact that I had been to the hospital and all sick people should look thin. Which confirmed the fact that he never really did LOOK at me. Anyway, I think I have really nice colleagues who are so careful of my feelings. And despite the fact that I know they are not being truthful, I hope they will continue the streak. I appreciate the odd white lie now and then. I don't always believe in honesty being the best policy, and if you can't tell a lie, "silence is golden" works as well. Some times.

And so again, it is FRIDAY night. On Friday nights, I am the eternal optimist and the glass is always half full.

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT WORK

Hopes dashed. Big guns have changed their minds, and I am to remain where I am. Alternative plans are also shaky. And so am I.

Struggling not to cry. The toilet beckons, but red eyes and nose will give the game away later anyway. I think it will be extremely unprofessional for me to break down in tears at my workstation. Why give the men more justification that women cannot perform because we are over emotional etc etc?

A stray tear insists on finding its way out of its home despite my stiff suppression. Surreptitiously wiped away. Smile. Oh, something got into my eye.

A persistant refrain hammers at my brain, “The hours pass so slowly, since they threw away the key.” Oh, Bananarama. Look at the computer clock. Only 8.45 am? Feels like a lifetime has passed. And the refrain hammers on.

Get on the internet. Browser opens at CNN.com. Read about Haiti. Read about Obama’s problems. Read about people killing other people. Continue to keep convincing myself that life now is REALLY, REALLY not so bad.

Feel better. Somewhat.

Looks at the tender specifications resting on my table. Read a few lines. Daydream.

Think: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But what if I really, really hate lemonade?

I have no answer.

Get on the Internet again. Read more bad news.

The hours still pass slowly. It is only 9 am.

But at least the tears have stopped falling.

AT PEACE.....SORT OF

On my second day back at work, I was briefed about the major re-structuring/realignment exercise that would be taking place in the department.

In my books, change is a dirty word. In the modern society which embraces getting out of your comfort zone, innovation, and new technology, I am the anomaly. In earlier years, I would have been the manager who does not want the records to be computerised, the old foggy who thinks email is the invention of the devil.

I am most skeptical of corporate change engineering. Or strategic planning, or paradigm shifts. Maybe I just have been reading too many Scott Adams writings and his Dilbert strips (As an aside, if I could find a Dilbert in real life, I might just marry him on the spot). All the much touted re-engineering processes and methods just seem like so many money making scams by business consultants well versed in semantics, stating the obvious. The results seem to be a mixed bag from what I have seen so far.

Despite all my anti-change grouses above, this is one restructuring that I welcome, because it has opened up opportunities that would end my misery for the last one year. Things are still being settled though and any movement for me is still in the pipework. In a nutshell, it involves people who want me on their team, people who don't want me on their team, people who want me to be on the team I want to be, and people whose aim in life is to make sure I don't get where I want to go (just out of orneryness). It is a mish mash of push-pull factors which are currently rather balanced. I am just keeping all my fingers and toes and all crossable body parts crossed.

I would say that, on the whole, things are looking up. And I at least have alternative plan A and plan B in place, after all that soul searching. So, despite the upheaval at work, I am currently, to quote SB, "at peace...sort of".

MAMA....IT'S ALL OVEEERRRR!!!

You know the little monster who cries and howl “It’s all oveeerrrr….” at the end of those “Just for Laughs” gag sequences? That’s exactly what I feel like doing this morning.

To be clear, I am having First-Day-Back-At-Work blues.

It should have been Monday really, but thanks to a strategically timed flu bug, my return was delayed by two days. I wish it had been H1N1. I am the only one I know who wishes to contract H1N1, dengue fever and any number of potentially deadly illnesses, just in hopes of escaping the inevitable. How despicable….how desperate.

I feel like I am committing mass perjury, as I smile at everyone and claim that it is nice to be back after all this time when in my heart of hearts, I am actually hollering “Nooooo…..”. And visit each manager’s office and assuring them that I am well (which I am) and raring to start work (which I am not). And discussing when I can get up to speed at work, all the time thinking I haven’t even gotten to the highway yet. The number of asides I have muttered to myself silently today!
And it is still a “honeymoon” period yet! I am at present occupied with the hundred and one unproductive and trivial tasks that one needs do when one has returned to work after a long absence – clearing emails, going through paper work, filing (oh, my favourite of all brainless tasks) etc. I predict this will last me until this week ends, and then I have to start doing the real work. And the fun begins, oh boy!

And so, I am now furtively typing away at blogger, keeping an eye over my shoulder (in case anyone creeps up on me and I have to do the Alt-Tab thing), trying to relieve my feelings somewhat so that I can continue with the whole pretense, without breaking down in hysterical laughter a la Fran Drescher.

SB reminds me that I need to pay for my European holiday this year somehow, so I better keep my nose to the grindstone (or at least keep up the pretense of doing so). The things we do for that occasional bout of gratification!

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT WORK

Today, my department manager called me into his office for a chat.

My department manager is also my official workplace mentor. I am not sure what prompted him to talk to me today. Was it because he needed to as part of his duties as my mentor and boss, or because he had observed my growing discontent? Anyway, I wished I had taken the initiative to talk to him sooner, because now I feel so much better. The load is not totally off my mind, and some of the ambivalence I had been feeling with regards to my career is still there, but enough doubt had been cleared up to make my way forward clearer. At least I don’t feel like I just want to hide in the toilet and cry.

I came clean regarding all I was feeling towards my job scope, especially my unhappiness and frustration at people management, which I felt I was clearly not suited for. I also told him that the thought of doing what I am currently doing for the remaining of my career depresses me. We discussed what would make me happier, and other than the various points like my interests, preferences, working with a smaller team etc, I also boldly brought up a potentially career limiting point – that perhaps I would like to consider a less leadership oriented and more supportive role in the company. I also mentioned that I would perhaps be happier if my career did not move forward.

I expected some show of disappointment from my manager here, perhaps even censure. Most companies and senior level managers would have been quick to write off an un-ambitious employee. I always had the impression that managers consider a person lazy and sloppy if he or she didn’t maximize their inherent potential. It doesn’t matter that the person may be doing extremely well at his or her job, but just didn’t want more responsibility. It is like not wanting to take more responsibility makes one less responsible. But I think I can be a fully responsible person and not want to take on more….am I making sense?

Anyway, while he looked somewhat surprised that I would feel this way, my manager was not critical. He just said it was a decision that only I could make, and I agree. But that is also the hardest decision to make.

To help me see the way forward better, he then shared with me some of the things that had been planned for me. Actually, nothing concrete had been planned. But I am definitely considered for career moves far beyond what I can see at this point. That comes as no surprise as it had been hinted at before. Indeed, I had always known that in this company, the world was mine for the taking; it was ever only whether I wanted it.

Digressing a bit, sometimes I wonder if my parents left out some critical genes at my conception. Here I am, faced with all the career opportunities open to me that most people can only dream of in their lifetime, without even needing to knock at any doors for them. And here I am, contemplating throwing them all away. Am I just being one of those naïve, idealistic dreamers whom I normally despise?

Back to our discussion, he mentioned that the plan was never for me to remain at my current position for too long. We were perhaps looking at the duration of completing this current project, and I would have to move on. That would be maybe a year’s time from now. Further, my moving on may not necessarily be linear within my current department. My strengths were versatile enough for me to have several choices of departments. Also, the company is undergoing some restructuring, so I could even end up in a specially created role eventually, if that gives the best match between my strengths and the company’s needs.

And this was basically what the discussion was all about, for me to give feedback on what I needed to perform, and the company would try and give it to me within a win-win scenario. Having shared my personal concerns about my strengths, weaknesses and preferences, and knowing that my company would be willing to accommodate them if it could, makes me feel appreciated. In addition, it gives me hope that I do not have to choose between doing something I like and am good at, and career advancement. I can have my cake and eat it too, now that I have been candid about it. I am extremely gratified that the company and my bosses think highly enough of me to accommodate my preferences. Some companies would have shown me the door.

I am realistic enough to know that whatever comes will not be exactly the way I want it, and even if it is, this dream job will take a little time to materialize. It is just enough at this moment to know that I will not have to slog at a job that I hate for the next forty years. Simply knowing this gives me the strength to hang on a while, because I know now that the torture will not last forever.

And lastly, my manager gave me the assurance that they are aware of the situation they had thrown me into. While it was an excellent opportunity for me to show my mettle, they are also aware of the steep learning curve and the frustration and helplessness that I might be feeling. There will not be any blame-fest later. That helps to relieve the stress a lot.

It does not mean that all will be smooth sailing from this point on. In fact, I fully expect that there will still be times when I will feel like I want to ditch the whole thing and sail off into the sunset. I only hope that I will be able to remind myself of today’s chat and hang on a while more, waiting for journey’s end to arrive.

IT’S BEEN A GOOD WEEK….

…..the title says it all.

Work has been relatively uneventful for the past two weeks, which is really a good thing in this line. No news is good news. At the very least, I am not constantly plagued by those moments when I sit down in front of my work station and start typing resignation letters. The phone is silent for most part, and my inbox have contained a current low of 46 emails for three days running, which is totally unheard of in my career so far. I ignore that little unsettling voice in my psyche that whisper that this is only the eye of the storm, and the worst is yet to come. After all, the holy mountain prophet predicted bad times at work in the months of October and November. But for now, I am counting my blessings when I can get them and taking a breather until those dreaded months arrive. This good week may be all that stands between me and the train tracks if the predictions for bad times do come true.

Training has gone relatively well this week. Due to several absences for the bootcamp, I was able to do the heavy stuff instead for most of the week. No new personal bests, but no major boo-boos either. I did manage to up the deadlifts to a 62.5 kg 1RM, which is more than what I have managed for weeks. And I continue to feel appreciable improvements in my upper body strength. Push ups, chin ups, overhead and flat bench presses are all significantly better. Muay Thai was not too bad either, although coach wasn’t too happy with some kicking and landing techniques. Still, I am happy overall. And whatever soreness I was feeling throughout the week is just another reminder of a reasonably good training week.

I have also been rather good with my diet this week, with only one major “surprise” when my mother managed to sneak in fried rice for one of my lunches. Fried rice is one of my big weaknesses, and my mother’s fried rice is out of the world, so guess who won? But other than that, and a planned cheat with 220 calories worth of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie ice cream (soooo good…), I had been doing well….and the scale appears to agree.

By the way, I have spoken to Coach J, and will “graduate” from the bootcamp after one more term and sign on for PT instead. Details have not been worked out yet, but I figured I would probably be training two to three times a week at the gym, and Saturday mornings would be for Muay Thai alone. No more feeling like I left my lungs and limbs somewhere else after Saturday training(s). The only thing I haven’t yet decided is my training goal. I would have continued to gun for fat loss, but I suspect the limiting factor for that is ultimately my diet and nutrition, so I may as well train for maximal strength anyway, and work at fat loss from the nutrition angle.

I have not been a total jock this week though, and managed to enjoy two theatre productions over the weekend. My father jokes that I am trying to be what the Chinese call 文武双全 or literarily “being well-versed in both the scholastic and martial endeavours”. I don’t think I have anything that lofty in mind, though I do hope to be as well-rounded as I can within the constraints of my own personal interests and available free time. I have to admit that I do miss the presence of the softer arts in my life these days, and have been considering bringing my trumpet out of storage and joining a band again, if I can find one that allows me to practice without performance commitments.

I also managed to catch up with some friends while attending the theatre performances, so now I feel more socially connected as well. Facebook, for all its virtues, can only do so much to maintain ties. We all still need the human connection. Oh, something else came out of our small gathering – a date for an MCR game two weeks hence. It has become embarrassing to tell people that I have not played for months after the Straits Times Life! article was published, so now at least I won’t be lying exactly when I say I am still playing. I only hope that we can at least continue with monthly games, if not weekly. I still haven’t given up the dream of competing at WSM one day.

The crowning touch for this week? I received my monthly statements for my equity investments today. My investments have rebounded somewhat, and are at the pre-recession levels. My paper losses are no more as of this moment. But I shall, as instructed by our ruling big brothers, be only cautiously optimistic instead of wildly overjoyed.

And I remain cautiously optimistic that the coming week will be just as good.

MY MINI MID-LIFE CRISIS

It is another glorious long weekend ahead. Three days of rest and relax, well, as much of it as I can get with a pile of work staring at me. It is a toss up whether I will even touch the pile in the coming days. I bring the work home with the best of intentions, but truly, it takes great will power and discipline to pull myself away from Project Runway reruns on cable TV to look at price comparison tables, engineering squiggles, and my least favourite of all - staff appraisal forms.

Yes, it is the time of the year for staff appraisals. Some bosses enjoy the process, because you know, holding the "life and death" of your employees in your hands, to mould their career outcomes in your hands, embues one with an incredible sense of power. Suddenly everyone falls over to be nice to you, and well, it may be time to take revenge of that small act of rebellion from a subordinate two months ago. Cues evil laugh.....Bwahahaha.......

Years ago, I used to love this time of the year too, because I didn't need to grade anyone else, and I was always pretty confident of my own performance. I knew I could always look forward to a top notch performance appraisal from my bosses. Even when I finally had my own small team about two years ago, they were all of such high caliber that it was no chore to grade them at all.

This year, I have around twenty staff appraisals to grade, and as I flip through them, my heart sinks. I have no wish to put anyone out of a job at this critical time period, or cause anyone any problems from bad appraisals, but how to balance that with what I really feel about their abilities and their attitudes? If I am really really frank about it, half of them would probably end up with a less than average showing, but if I am more generous, the top performers would not show up so well, which is somewhat unfair. It is really a fine balancing act. The best result I can envision is that everyone gets about an average grading, which is....kind of sad.

And there is my own appraisal form to complete. Our company appraisal comes in two parts, one part for the supervisor to grade the staff performance, and the other part for the staff to give feedback. I am in a dilemma over the latter, given my unhappiness with my job responsibilities at the moment and my general confusion on which direction I should be going. How forthcoming should I be in my feedback? Really tell the bosses that I have no wish to be groomed for higher level managerial positions, that I wish to specialise in the technical side of things? Do I really want to turn in that direction? Am I ready to sacrifice the material benefits of my current career path for one which will better suit my personality and skills and make me happier for the next forty years, but not pay as well? Will I really be happy with less money? Have I been too idealistic and naive? Sort of like those couples who "chooses love over bread"? I have no answer yet.....but I have the next two days to think about it.....

Someone commented in passing recently that I could consider making fitness my career, like become a trainer, open a fitness centre catering to ladies etc, since I am now so into this whole fitness thing, and was so unhappy about my job into the bargain, I laughed it off at that time. It just felt so off-the-charts impossible. I could list so many things against such an idea - lack of expertise, capital, my personal fear of the lack of stability in such an undertaking etc etc. But for some reason, the idea got stuck in my head, not fitness part, but the idea of going into alternative career paths, doing things which interests me, making my interests my work. I am a little bewildered about the direction of my thoughts, because even as thoughts, this is so unlike me. SB may take the plunge, but I am your original conventional 9-5 professional salary girl. I thrive on routines and schedules, on stability and low/zero risk taking. Am I really even considering an alternative life-style? Or am I just desperate enough to seek a way out of my current malcontention? Anyway at all?

My parents, especially my father, have been incredibly happy and satisfied ever since I landed this job, and are very, very proud of my career progression. I think he sees me at the top of the managerial food chain one day. I know they think I have the potential to fly high, and my settling for anything less would be a waste of my potential. I also think that they are happy that at least one of us (between SB and me) are in a stable job with stable prospects (since SB has chosen, in their eyes at least, something flighty and out of their realm of understanding, although I personally think wanting to get a PhD to teach in a University is already kind of traditional and staid...). I have been rather hesitant about sharing my unhappiness at work with them, or even mentioning my various thoughts and considerations to downgrade my career.

However, this morning during breakfast, I somehow fell into a discussion with them accidentally about the whole situation I am in. I think I was subconsciously trying to test the waters, to see if they could understand how unsuited I am, personality-wise, for the high power management path, and if they could accept my not fulfiling my full potential and limiting my career path. The discussion went exactly as I had expected. Mum understood but couldn't, or didn't want to say anything more than that she understood. Dad was adamant that in this society, no one could ever be 100% happy with their job. A job is a job. I should just suck it up and do it. And if I can't change the job to suit me, then I should change myself to suit the job. Be harder, be more aggressive, learn to like entertainment, learn to like management shit, or at least to tolerate it enough. I don't have to like my job, just be able to tolerate it for the next forty years and take my pleasures elsewhere. Kind of like those Victorian ton marriages you read about, a wife is for inheritances and heirs; keep a mistress on the side for other pleasures.

I was kind of sad, but I guess I did know better than to expect unadulterated support from that wing. Afterall, my parents were the product of hard times and sacrifices. You didn't have a much of a choice in those days. I really don't blame them. But so now it is down to me to decide what I want and whether I could live with the consequences of my choices. Again, I don't have any answers yet...my mind and my heart are masses of roiling conflict. I can only take refuge in escapism for the moment, and use the financial crisis as an excuse to delay the decision making for another few months, or years. I am hoping that once the crisis is over and the economy is on the rise again, a clear direction which addresses all my concerns will suddenly open up in front of me, and I do not have to worry about any decision making on my part. Haha, yes, sheer fantasy of course - my religion of choice.

Well, I refuse to continue to dwell on such unhappy ruminations with the long weekend stretching in front of me. It will be over all too soon, and time enough for me to continue my whining and whinging when I am back at work. For the next two days, I will live in the present and charge myself up as much as I can. I see long days of catching up on my reading, internet surfing, working out! and just generally pottering around. There are still small bubbles of happiness and contentment lurking around after all, just have to look for them and soak them out.

Life is not all a drag after all......

COME WITH A SOLUTION

Being a manager perplexes me. Management confuses me.

I know of managers who practice the "Don't come to me with a problem, come with a solution" style of management. That is something I can never understand. If I have a solution ready, why would I even need to seek help? If you can't help me with my problem, why do I need you? So aren't we all at a stalemate?

But recently, I have come to appreciate the "Don't come to me with a problem" part, at least when it comes to people management. Two persons from my team couldn't get along with each other, each complained about the other and refused to work with each other. I had a standoff, and no one to do the work. So I very nicely separated their work responsibilities and eliminated all need for interaction between them. No reprimands, no nothing from me. I thought this was a very nice and elegant solution in view of looming datelines. I thought I would deal with the "I don't want to friend him/her" childishness when I have time later.

Turns out, one of them was STILL unhappy with the arrangements. I think he wanted me to take his side and punish the other party or something. And he didn't want to continue with the work that I had segregated because the other party started the job. Hello, since when am I elected playground referee? This was when I started to appreciate the "Don't come to me with a problem" mandate.

I can understand the continued angst. I can even empathise. I have been through the same situation of working with someone I absolutely hate. Even gone head to head with this person in conflict. Sure, I complained about this person to my bosses. I also received the necessary "pep talk" in return. But at no point in time did I refuse to continue my work just because my boss(es) didn't take my side. That would have been really unprofessional.

Anyway, I got them to do the work in the end. But the "I don't want to friend him/her" situation is still pending and still needs to be dealt with. According to the rules of the "Don't come to me with a problem" management style, I should get this two people to come to me with a solution.

Ten to one bet that I get any.

EFFECTIVE MANAGEMENT?

The heat has finally abated somewhat at work. Today, we received an email of appreciation from the big bosses. I am rather surprised that we actually managed to meet the datelines after all. And even more surprised at the support of my team members. I guess I wasn't expecting to be very effective in getting them to do what I wanted, since my heart isn't in it in the first place. I wonder if anyone could tell....

I've got some unpleasant tasks coming up that I've put off forever, and which is now staring at me in the face. No, its not the MSc, although THAT has got to be dealt with soon as well. I'm referring to the nasty business of telling some of my team members that they aren't performing and that they had better pull up their socks, or else.

I hate this aspect of my job these days, probably because I am not the most exemplary employee myself as well. It feels so hypocritical to tell people off for discipline and/or performance issues when I am also not 100% compliant. Sure, I contribute a lot more than these people do, but still, my conscience ain't clear. But I still have to suck it up and do it, because it is effective management, according to my bosses.

I am also overdue to give some "carrots" talk to some other team members, i.e., telling them that they have done well and to keep the good work up. It is much easier than the telling off, but I still don't like to do it. I think it is hard for me to pull off such things sincerely, even though I do mean what I say. I think it sounds corny and unconvincing coming from me, probably because I can't follow up "You have done well." with "Here's an extra 500 bucks towards your salary. Thanks." Without the latter, the former is just words, in my opinion. And my words are of no value to anyone. Still, I have to suck it up and do it, again, for effective management.

I seriously don't know how other managers motivate their staff. I obviously can't do it properly, and hate to do it. I am obviously not a people person - I like doing my job by myself, without getting my hands dirty with all that effective management stuff. Hey, that's why I studied engineering in the first place, to become an engineer. Yet here I am, stuck on the climb up the corporate ladder to management, and trying to convince myself that I am fortunate to be there and that I like it.

I thought about getting off that ladder, to tell my bosses enough is enough, that I am unhappy, that I just want to remain a lowly engineer, doing what I like best - engineering. But it is a sad fact that engineers will never get paid what managers do, and I like what I am getting too much to reject it. And so I choose the mercenary path, and doom myself to climb that damn ladder and get mired in the effective management mud.

I am now only looking forward to that time when I am high up enough on the ladder. The first task on my list is to DELEGATE the effective management stuff and do some engineering work. Ah....a light at the end of the tunnel.