QUESTION OF EGO

There was no Muay Thai training yesterday due to the Vesak Day holiday. I guess coach wanted to enjoy a rare day off with wifey, but I was disappointed. I so wanted to ride on last week's high and see if I could do as well this week.

This week's training went as expected, except for Monday. I must have been still fatigued from the deadlifting the previous Saturday, and so, on Monday, my lower back went to hell during the deadlifts and bent over rows. Managed to get the numbers up for all the finishers, but I think these numbers are REALLY my limit. Of course, I keep saying that, and next week I go and break my own records. But it is hard to imagine I could go any higher when I am half expired from the effort at that point in time.

Strength training was good on Saturday. Managed to up the back squats to 50 kg. Truth to be told, I didn't particularly want to try that last set of 50 kg. I thought at 47.5 kg, my form was already poor. It goes again the grain to try for heavier weights when I couldn't do the lighter at good form, because it feels like ego talking. I definitely want to avoid being one of those people who would sacrifice anything just for new PRs, even though sometimes it really is very tempting.

And I definitely have an ego when it comes to training these days. I didn't start out with one, but once I became better at it, the ego and competitiveness started to set in. I frankly admit that I was disappointed that I could only do 1 rep of the 65 kg deadlift last week, not because I thought I should be able to do more, but simply because I wanted to keep a decent lead over the rest. There, I've gotten it off my chest and I feel better. Sort of like going to confession.

Training in a bootcamp can be bad for people like me, because my innate competitive nature sets in. Hey, I'm not an Aries for nothing. Once I get my teeth into the fantastic feeling of leading the pack, it becomes hard to get them out of it again. And when I start failing in further attempts, I start to get frustrated and disappointed. It becomes hard to feel happy for others who have surpassed me in their endeavours, and that makes me feel even crappier, because what does that say about me? I feel like a selfish and self centred bitch, especially when the rest of the pack always congratulate me so sincerely when I do well.

Anyway, a pep talk with myself worked, kind of. I can't say I won't continue to push myself to surpass my own performance, AND others as well. But at the very least, I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me so much now when I see others performing as well, or better, and I can give sincere compliments. And I'm glad that I stopped to consider the 50 kg back squat yesterday.

Oh, and I gave a video testimonial of my gym yesterday. And for anyone who wonders why there is anything special about that, it is because the process involved two of my personal phobias:

1) Public Speaking, especially the scriptless kind
2) Looking at my own photos and video replays

The last time I saw a video of myself was back in University, where we were videoed doing presentations in the Technical Communication module. I got a decent enough grade for that, but I was cringing all the way during the replay because I look so fat. I was mentally going "Man, I actually look like that?" and resisting the urge to grab the remote control from my tutor.

One of things I read in another dieter's blog that had me nodding my head in vehement agreement is the perception that we maintain of ourselves when we were fat and when we are slimmer. Back then, though I knew I was big sized, I never really let myself acknowledge exactly how big I was. It was like if I did, I would not be able to escape anymore, and would HAVE to do something about it. So everytime I viewed a photo or a video of myself, I would be totally devastated at exactly how bad I look.

After I lost the excess baggage, it was like my brain still hung on to my fat images from last time. It was as if my brain could not really accept that I HAD lost that much weight. Part of the reason was probably also due to the fear that if I let myself be too happy about the fat loss too early, the fat would come piling back before I had a chance to breath a sigh of relief (in local terms, I am pantang lah).

So I was apprehensive about the testimonial videoing. It took some courage to view the replay, but I was quite pleasantly surprised. No doubt I would be cringing at some other detail when I get to view it again in detail, but it will not be at how bad I look.

Oh, and I managed not to gabble myself into incoherence, which is pretty awesome in it's own way.