JUST ANOTHER DAY AT WORK

Today, my department manager called me into his office for a chat.

My department manager is also my official workplace mentor. I am not sure what prompted him to talk to me today. Was it because he needed to as part of his duties as my mentor and boss, or because he had observed my growing discontent? Anyway, I wished I had taken the initiative to talk to him sooner, because now I feel so much better. The load is not totally off my mind, and some of the ambivalence I had been feeling with regards to my career is still there, but enough doubt had been cleared up to make my way forward clearer. At least I don’t feel like I just want to hide in the toilet and cry.

I came clean regarding all I was feeling towards my job scope, especially my unhappiness and frustration at people management, which I felt I was clearly not suited for. I also told him that the thought of doing what I am currently doing for the remaining of my career depresses me. We discussed what would make me happier, and other than the various points like my interests, preferences, working with a smaller team etc, I also boldly brought up a potentially career limiting point – that perhaps I would like to consider a less leadership oriented and more supportive role in the company. I also mentioned that I would perhaps be happier if my career did not move forward.

I expected some show of disappointment from my manager here, perhaps even censure. Most companies and senior level managers would have been quick to write off an un-ambitious employee. I always had the impression that managers consider a person lazy and sloppy if he or she didn’t maximize their inherent potential. It doesn’t matter that the person may be doing extremely well at his or her job, but just didn’t want more responsibility. It is like not wanting to take more responsibility makes one less responsible. But I think I can be a fully responsible person and not want to take on more….am I making sense?

Anyway, while he looked somewhat surprised that I would feel this way, my manager was not critical. He just said it was a decision that only I could make, and I agree. But that is also the hardest decision to make.

To help me see the way forward better, he then shared with me some of the things that had been planned for me. Actually, nothing concrete had been planned. But I am definitely considered for career moves far beyond what I can see at this point. That comes as no surprise as it had been hinted at before. Indeed, I had always known that in this company, the world was mine for the taking; it was ever only whether I wanted it.

Digressing a bit, sometimes I wonder if my parents left out some critical genes at my conception. Here I am, faced with all the career opportunities open to me that most people can only dream of in their lifetime, without even needing to knock at any doors for them. And here I am, contemplating throwing them all away. Am I just being one of those naïve, idealistic dreamers whom I normally despise?

Back to our discussion, he mentioned that the plan was never for me to remain at my current position for too long. We were perhaps looking at the duration of completing this current project, and I would have to move on. That would be maybe a year’s time from now. Further, my moving on may not necessarily be linear within my current department. My strengths were versatile enough for me to have several choices of departments. Also, the company is undergoing some restructuring, so I could even end up in a specially created role eventually, if that gives the best match between my strengths and the company’s needs.

And this was basically what the discussion was all about, for me to give feedback on what I needed to perform, and the company would try and give it to me within a win-win scenario. Having shared my personal concerns about my strengths, weaknesses and preferences, and knowing that my company would be willing to accommodate them if it could, makes me feel appreciated. In addition, it gives me hope that I do not have to choose between doing something I like and am good at, and career advancement. I can have my cake and eat it too, now that I have been candid about it. I am extremely gratified that the company and my bosses think highly enough of me to accommodate my preferences. Some companies would have shown me the door.

I am realistic enough to know that whatever comes will not be exactly the way I want it, and even if it is, this dream job will take a little time to materialize. It is just enough at this moment to know that I will not have to slog at a job that I hate for the next forty years. Simply knowing this gives me the strength to hang on a while, because I know now that the torture will not last forever.

And lastly, my manager gave me the assurance that they are aware of the situation they had thrown me into. While it was an excellent opportunity for me to show my mettle, they are also aware of the steep learning curve and the frustration and helplessness that I might be feeling. There will not be any blame-fest later. That helps to relieve the stress a lot.

It does not mean that all will be smooth sailing from this point on. In fact, I fully expect that there will still be times when I will feel like I want to ditch the whole thing and sail off into the sunset. I only hope that I will be able to remind myself of today’s chat and hang on a while more, waiting for journey’s end to arrive.