HI! I'M A FORMER FAT GIRL!

It was storming at around 6+ am this morning. The thunder woke me up from my sound sleep, followed by a heavy rain. Snug in my air conditioned haven, safe in bed with the blankets drawn up to my neck, I stayed awake for a while enjoying the delicious feeling, armed with the knowledge that it is Sunday and I didn't have to get up early. Then I fell back into sleep.

I wonder why it is so easy to wake up early and actually stay awake on Sundays, when I didn't have to, while I struggle to regain consciousness every weekday morning? The conundrum continues to puzzle me.

I had a nice time at the barbeque yesterday. Good food aside, I hadn't had such a good time out since forever. Friends are all busy, and all the social engagements that I have had recently are mainly work related. Small talk pales fast, and there is only so much to talk about the weather. And knowing that every word I say, and every move I make would probably be judged by potential clients, bosses, suppliers, whatever, does not make for relaxing engagements. Even during supposed "celebratory" or "reward" dinners, I still feel like I'm on show.

Anyway, we had a lot of good laughs and a lot of meat and veggies. Barbeques are never my favourite way to gorge - I prefer my food served to me in air conditioned comfort, without the guilt from knowing that some unpaid friend was slaving at the grill while I enjoyed myself. But anyway, thanks to those who did the cooking yesterday, it was really good.

I had a gander at some of the photos that were taken last night with the rest of the girls. And for once, I didn't cringe when I see myself. In fact, I was so happy with how cute I looked that I had to bring up the photos for a few more looks. Oh yes, I have developed the Former Fat Girl Narcissism Streak. I first read about this in another dieter's blog, where she mentioned how she enjoyed admiring herself in all available reflective surfaces after she lost weight. When I read that, I had to restrain the impulse to yell "Oh Yeah! Me too! Me too!"

It is amazing how different starting points affect how we view ourselves. If I had been slim all my life and then attained my current figure, I would probably want to hide myself away, the way I have been doing for the few years of my life when I was really "horizontally challenged". But coming from the other end of the fat spectrum, I am so happy with where I am now, that it doesn't matter if I have not attained my ideal figure. Coming this far has already imbued me with more confidence in myself than I ever had. I would be lying if I said I am happy to stop here, which girl wouldn't want to be slimmer if they could? But if I never lost another pound or drop another inch, it wouldn't take away my acceptance of my current self and the confidence I have attained.

I think I am making a hash out of explaining this.

By the way, I find it amazing just how many weight loss blogs there are out there, and just how big the weight loss community is out there in the virtual world. I have been chain reading non-stop for a while. It is amazing just how well some of these dieters write, and what keeps me reading and reading is that sense of camaraderie, the "Me Too" emphathy that pops up all so often.

Resisting sugar cravings, the joy and wonder of being able to being able to stuff a whole chicken into our "fat pants", along with ourselves, the frustration of plateauing, the constant struggle to drag ourselves to the gym are recurring themes that make up a lot of the blogs. And no matter how many times I read about these, I never get bored or blase. I guess it is like how parents are always talking about their kids to other parents, and it amazes us singles how they never get tired of each other's stories about "my little XXX's first tooth/crawl/walk/word...." when we are ready to knock ourselves out.

One dieter wrote about the identity dilemma of fat people, which really resonated with me. On one hand, we all wanted "fat acceptance" when we are fat but at the same time, we all wanted to lose the fat and become slim. It seems that fat people, for most part, do not accept themselves as we are but are asking for acceptance from others. Does that constitute a betrayal of ourselves? Some people think so. Personally, I have no answer for this.

There used to be boy in junior college who was some kind of a genius. He was forever topping the school examinations with full marks, or close to. There was one physics common test where he scored 85 out of 100, which was probably a abysmal low for him. He then went around bitching to everyone and mentioned that he should probably drop the subject since he was so bad at it. The thing was, 85 happened to be the highest score obtained for that paper, and half the cohort had failed it or was close enough to the borderline that it didn't make much difference. It made all the rest of us feel like braining him, tying him up and dropping him into the school pond, but I guess we had stupendous self control for teenagers.

I bring this anecdote up because many dieters wrote about insensitive thin friends on their blogs. These friends are just like the boy above, perfectly slim friends who are pounds and pounds lighter than our fat selves, but who are forever going on about how fat they are, how they needed to lose weight, how they should not have eaten so much (just as we swallow the last bite of that delicious black pepper beef steak) etc, in the face of girls who are much, much fatter than they are.

When I was in my really overweight days, I used to hate discussions that veered in that direction with my much slimmer friends. I can hardly describe the feeling of seeing them valiantly try to pinch the minuscule roll of fat to show me their fat, while I sit in embarrassed silence, looking down at my protruding tummy.

Perhaps some of these slim people see this as a way to breach the barrier and to foster fat acceptance. It is like "See, I'm fat too. You are not alone." But we all have eyes, and there is fat and there is fat. When one has trouble climbing stairs and walking without panting, and wears size 16 pants, hearing about a size 4 not being able to wear a bikini at the pool because of her fats, definitely does not breach any barriers. It just makes the size 16 want to look for the sharpest object around. Whether she then uses it on herself or her size 4 friend depends on how many chocolate muffins she already had.

Now that I fall into the other category, I refrain from discussing diets and weight loss (and even fashion, because it eventually leads in that direction) unless the other party initiates it (with the exception of family - they are force fed the information whether they want it or not, haha. Oh, and on this blog of course).

Oh, anyway, if anyone wants a good read, I highly recommend PastaQueen's blog. I'm off for my daily fix, ciao!