GIVING UP

I made one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make in my whole life till now and have officially informed my manager that I will not be completing my company sponsored MSc course. I see the company HR manager next week to discuss further options, and most probably, compensation to the company.

The various managers had been on my back for the last few years regarding this. Yes, it has taken me a few years to not complete the course. The arguments for continuing are quite obvious, I have finished all the coursework modules, and only owe a few assignments and an 80,000 word dissertation. It should have been relatively easy to bulldoze through it and just pass and get the certification. Certainly, it would save me a fortune in paying back the sponsorship, considering that I have more than served my bond already. Dropping the MSc would also lower my standing in the eyes of the management and disappoint the managers who had nominated me in the first place. And I lose a chance at the Masters degree, which, in today’s society, is becoming more of a necessity than a luxury.

One of the main factors which actually prevented me from giving up even earlier was pride and an innate competitive nature. Several colleagues have graduated with their degrees. Several more are going to. It strikes hard at my ego to end up less paper qualified than my peers, and for a while this kept me trying, but ultimately, it was not enough.

I don’t think I will change my mind. Because I know I won’t finish the course no matter what.

I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter. I never have. But it seems that I have to take my head out of the sand, and admit that this time, I get the “Quitter of the Year” trophy.

I was not expecting this immense wrench though. I thought I would be relieved to get rid of this burden that had been riding on my back for years, and which was always popping up to spoil the perfection of any happy moments I had. I thought I had prepared myself to make whatever compensation I needed to, that I would feel the payment worthwhile to be free again. But it didn’t happen this way. It is hard to describe the sense of failure that pervades me, especially coming on the heels of all that happened at work the last few months.

It will never be something I will ever think about with pride. In fact, I suspect that wrench is always going to be there. But once I get the formalities over and done with, I will do what I do best, bury it all in the ground, and pretend it never happened. Game over…….Start new game.