DON'T ASK ME HOW I AM

I am tired of having to keep answering questions on my health.

I probably sound like an ungrateful bitch. I probably am an ungrateful bitch. I am very grateful to all the people who have been so concerned about me. But it gets tiring repeating the same things over and over again. Add to that the fact that I absolutely have no diagnosis on my problem(s) yet and I don't know what is going to happen next. "How are you now?" now heads my list of most dreaded questions.

I am also not sure that I actually care whether there is anything physically wrong with me. I am not sure if if I actually care about anything at this very moment. There is this sense of ennui intersperse with occasional bouts of panic that I am headed in a very wrong direction but I don't know how to pull myself back. I feel like I am just existing day to day in some kind of vaccuum. And the more I feel like this, the more I don't feel like interacting, or reaching out to people. It feels rather comfortable in this emotionless, isolated state, although those occasional sense of panic disturbs me. But it is easy enough to smother them and continue with status quo.

The thought has occurred to me that I am perhaps suffering from some form of depression or....something. I don't know. It is not that I feel sad, or desperate or keep having morbid, suicidal thoughts, or anything. I just don't care. And I don't want to talk. I don't know if seeing a shrink will change anything, seeing that I don't much believe in the institution of psychiatry. And I don't think I care for more medication. As a matter of fact, I had wondered if the cocktail of medicines I am taking currently is accounting for my current emotional state.

So I just have to wait for it to pass, I guess. I don't suppose I would come to any great harm in the meantime. I was told by the "prophet" from the "holy mountain" that my ba zhi (eight characters) indicate that I would have a relatively smooth and easy life, kind of a charmed life, if you will. I guess I would have to put my faith that he is right, and I would weather whatever I am currently going through perfectly fine.

In the meantime, please don't ask me how I am. Thank you so very much. :)